Episode 225: 14 Hard Lessons I Learned In 3.5 Years of Singlehood (Part 2)

We are jumping right back into our conversation from last week's Valentine's Day episode where I'm sharing my most hard-earned lessons from 3.5 years of singlehood and over 200 dates! If you didn't catch the first episode, click here to take a listen!

8. Relationships are not meant to make you comfortable all the time. They're meant to expose the unhealed parts of you that still need tending while holding space for you to work through those parts. And that's hard. 

I do not have better words than this quote from Return to Love:

"God's idea of a good relationship and the ego's idea of a good relationship are completely different. To the ego a good relationship is one in which another person basically behaves the way we want them to, and never presses our buttons, never violates our comfort zones. But if a relationship exists to support our growth, then in many ways it exists to do just those things. Force us out of our limited tolerance and inability to love unconditionally. We're not aligned with the Holy Spirit until people can behave in any way they choose to, and our own inner peace isn't shaken. There have been many times in my life where my thought about a relationship was, 'This is terrible.' But upon further reflection, I realized God would probably be saying, 'Oh this is good. Marianne gets to see her neuroses more clearly.'" 

I love this so much because it describes so clearly something I was telling a friend a while back. I have been in therapy for years and I have conquered a lot in that time, to the point that even though I still go and gain value, I felt like I hit a bit of a plateau.

I craved a relationship because I knew it would reveal unhealed parts of me, it would trigger wounds that I was unaware of. And it's true!

Even early in dating I'm recognizing parts of myself that need some TLC that I was utterly unaware of.

I'm dating someone who's communication style/level differs from mine and so I have to self-regulate during the quiet moments.

For the first time I'm dating someone who makes more than me, and I'm working on still feeling valuable and worthy when my income isn't what I'm bringing to the table.

It's hard, it's uncomfortable, it's fascinating, and it's bringing me the growth and healing I've been craving. 

9. You can be a strong, independent woman and still want a relationship. 

I want to scream this one from the rooftops. All too often I hear the messaging that if a woman not only wants, but craves a relationship, it must mean she isn't ok being by herself and that she'll never have a good relationship until she's totally happy being alone. 

Bullshit. 

I've built a single life I love. It's fulfilling, I have a lot of amazing friendships, I get into all sorts of adventures, and close my eyes every night feeing incredibly grateful for all I have. 

That didn't change the fact that I deeply wanted a partner to share that with. We are social creatures. There is nothing valiant or superior about being perfectly fine being alone, in fact that goes against our very nature to bond, to connect, and to love.  

10. It's ok to cry. A lot.

I think it's so valuable when we can hold the space for two truths, two experiences, two perspectives to exist simultaneously. There were plenty of nights where while I held gratitude in my heart for all I had, I sobbed over what was missing. 

I had so much capacity for love, so much I wanted to give, so much I wanted to share, and not being able to do that and not having any clue when the relief would come left me heartbroken and aching. 

So instead of trying to distract myself from that, I felt it. I felt the loneliness, and the grief, and the frustration. I sat with it, allowed it to flow through my body like a wave. And afterwards, even though nothing was solved, I would inevitably feel better. 

11. You can plan a lot. You can take a lot of action to create a certain result. But nothing replaces the serendipity that brings two people together. 

 I tried to make choices almost every day to put myself in a position to find love. I would go to coffee shops in areas where I thought there would be like-minded people, I went to Equinox almost every day, I had soccer, I regularly went out with girl friends, I swiped, I went to the Katy Trail and tried to make eyes with strangers. 

Then one night I had plans to go to a Thursday event (Thursday is a new dating app where every Thursday they pick a local bar for its members to go to and potentially ignite a spark with). I was fully ready to go, hair and makeup done and heels on. 

But right before I was about to leave I got hit with a huge bout of acid reflux. I knew I wouldn't be able to drink and would be miserable just sitting at the bar, so I swapped my skinny jeans for my leggings and headed to Equinox. That was the first night Gym Crush made eyes at me. 

We spent a week or so making eyes at each other and saying hi, but no actual conversations were happening. I tried to time going to the gym so we might run into each other on the way in. It never worked.

Finally I decided to give up, let it go, I probably read into the eye contact and the friendly "hello's" anyways. That night I went into the locker room and for some reason it was taking forever to put my hair up, I kept getting snarls and snags. Then I decided I should go to the bathroom before my workout - didn't really need to go, just decided I should. 

I walked out of the locker room and practically ran into Gym Crush. We had a conversation on our way to the floor and within a week and a half we had our first date.

We can put out the effort, we can try to orchestrate fate, but everything will happen as it's meant to happen in its own timing. We just have to be ready and open when the opportunity strikes. 

12. Rejection is protection. 

Last year I started dating a guy from Bumble. He was the first promising man I met in a while. Our chemistry was great, we had a blast together, and for the first time in over 2 years I thought maybe I met someone I could really date. 

After a couple of months though, I realized while we might have a great time in the short term, in the long term our values just didn't align. 

So I ended it. But against all odds, we actually stayed friends and after about 6 months I decided maybe those long term values weren't all that important and so I told him I was interested in giving us another shot... He wasn't. 

That was a really hard couple of months. Whenever we hung out I couldn't understand how he didn't feel what I felt. Everyone around us thought we should be together. But he was adamant, it wasn't going to happen. 

I am so grateful he turned me down. The longer we've remained friends the more I've realized we would be genuinely terrible in a long term relationship together. The universe had other plans for me and while I couldn't see it at the time, I was meant for so much more. 

13. Be honest with yourself about what you're willing to do for love. 

Another close call happened back in 2022. I matched with a guy on Hinge and our first date was the best I had had to date. The conversation was effortless, the chemistry was undeniable, and again I thought, maybe this is it. 

Unfortunately after 3 amazing dates he told me he was moving back to London. For good. 

The crazy thing is we actually kept in contact over the course of a year and he came and visited me twice. Those visits gave me a glimpse into the kind of relationship I wanted. 

At the time almost all of my friends and family said that if we had the connection I described, I should consider moving to London. 

A part of me really wanted to. A part of me wanted to just throw caution to the wind and let love win!

But when I really thought about it - when I thought about starting my business from scratch in a new country, when I thought about being thousands of miles away from my parents who won't be here forever, from my brother who was about to have his first baby, from my sister who just moved to Texas, I just knew love wouldn't be enough. I would resent it and I would eventually have to come home, and for him London was home. 

Again I had no idea what was right around the corner waiting for me. 

14. Get excited and get your hopes up!

My first date with Gym Crush was one for the books. As we talked it felt like we had known each other for ages, I felt comfortable enough to actually be myself, we laughed, and when he kissed me it was like every cell in my body melted. 

After that, part of me wanted to protect myself. I wanted to keep my expectations low, to keep my excitement tempered, to not get my hopes up. 

But instead I made the conscious decision to lean totally and completely into the potential of it all. To fantasize, to replay the date in my head, to tell my friends about him and not hold back my joy. 

The way I saw it, if it was going to end it was going to hurt. Period. No amount of bracing myself for it would change that. And if it didn't end, if this did end up being it for me, I would always regret suppressing all of those wonderful feelings because the beginning of a relationship only happens once. 

My brother said it best: Imagine you're riding a bike. You can blissfully embrace the ride, or you can be anxious about falling and breaking your leg. Either way if you do break your leg it's going to be just as painful. But at least if you allowed yourself to enjoy the ride that was a great moment and a great memory in your life. 

I have no idea what the future holds or where Gym Crush and I will land. But I can tell you after all of these experiences and all of these lessons, I will have no regrets. Because I will have shown up exactly how I wanted to, as the best version of myself, and if it doesn't work out after that, it wasn't meant for me. 

The last reminder I have for you if you're single and struggling is this: you cannot lose what is meant to be yours. Keep the faith, they're getting to you as fast as they can. 

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