Episode 284: The Dating Advice That Finally Led Me to the Right Man (After 5 Years of Swiping)
Dating. It’s a minefield of bad dates, hopeful almosts, armchair experts, and inner turmoil.
One minute you feel confident you know exactly what you want, the next you’re questioning if you’re too picky to ever find someone, wondering if you should have given more of a chance to the sweet guy who kissed like a fish.
One minute you’re coming home from a date, dancing around your living room convinced you found the one, the next you’re calling all your friends dissecting the 3 word text he sent after not hearing from him for a week and a half.
It’s hard for anyone. Add in 5 years of singlehood and the ticking clock of being a 30-something woman and the stakes only get higher while the options seem to shrink before your eyes.
But then… it happens. You go on a good date. That turns into another good date. And another. And another.
You talk and laugh for hours, closing down the restaurant.
The butterflies that you were beginning to think were just a form of anxiety brought on by unavailable men? They show up. Even in the midst of feeling safe and calm in his arms.
And those standards that you were tempted to lower after countless disappointments? He meets every one of them, and then some.
I’ve gotten a lot of dating advice over the years - from friends, from family, from books and podcasts. But now that I’m here, I want to share the advice that got it right. The wisdom I wish I would have not only listened to, but that I wish I would have absorbed into my very being years ago.
1. Pay attention to how your body feels around them.
Honestly, I could barely tell you what My Guy and I talked about on our first date. But I can tell you exactly how he made me feel. As soon as I walked in to Paradiso, I felt at ease. His grounded energy and warmth permeated the space around us. I felt relaxed, like I could be myself from the very beginning.
2. Core values > ego values.
There are so many problems with swipe culture and I truly believe it’s a major contributor to the singles epidemic this country is facing. With seemingly endless options and ‘grass-is-always-greener’ syndrome, it’s easy to throw someone away the second they have one tiny trait that wasn’t on your laundry list of desires.
With online profiles that demonstrate little more than aesthetic, income, and height, we’re being trained to prioritize ego values (the ones that make a guy impressive on your arm), while completely bypassing core values (the ones that will actually determine your long-term happiness like how they treat you, how they speak to you, whether they’re emotionally available, and whether you want the same things for your future).
And while I was attracted to My Guy from day one, while he may be successful and impressive, the moment I truly locked in was on date #4.
It was the first time we veered from light and easy and started delving into the ‘real’ questions. You know, the scary ones where if someone says the wrong thing, you’re probably not making it through the night.
To my delight (and relief if I’m being honest), on every topic that was important we were in absolute alignment. A kind of alignment I had never experienced before.
Now if you struggle prioritizing what’s truly important and find yourself comparing all your dates to an extensive (and likely unrealistic) checklist, I’m going to give you the advice that really helped me hone in on my actual deal breakers.
Pick 3 things your partner absolutely has to have. Not 5. Not 10. Certainly not 20. 3 things that are essential to your happiness.
Mine were…
1. Being growth oriented.
This covered such a huge gamut for me. If you’ve been here for a minute you know I’m always looking to grow personally, professionally, and within my relationships. And when someone wants to grow while the other wants to stay stagnant, what may start as a small ravine will inevitably turn into a massive chasm.
2. Being health oriented.
This was not about a certain aesthetic. This was about an entire way of life. I workout or at least move my body every day. I cook 90% of my meals at home. And even when I eat out it’s almost always somewhere where healthy options are plentiful. Dating a couch potato who eats McDonald’s and Taco Bell all day would literally never work.
3. Being outgoing.
Not necessarily meaning they had to be the life of the party. But I have a lot of friends and family that I spend a lot of time with and always wanted to be with someone who would hold their own and not slink into a corner at parties.
Needless to say, My Guy nailed all 3.
3. Don’t make any choices until you see how they are in conflict.
Like many of you, I have had some bad luck with men who seemed great when all was well, but as soon as there was conflict? Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide.
Which is why when My Guy not only invited criticism - asking me what flaws I perceived in him - but responded calmly and kindly to what I had to say… there was a palpable shift I felt in my body. Like something was unlocked.
When someone can make you feel safe and hold space for disagreements without getting defensive, or outright mean, that’s when you really have found something special.
4. Divine timing is real.
I can’t tell you how many times I sat in my room crying, begging the universe to bring me my person. Asking, out loud, what I had to do to deserve him. Certain there was some magic phrase or action I had to take to bring him to me.
As it turns out, as soon as he was available and ready, the universe brought us together within 2 weeks.
I had sworn off dating apps. I hadn’t so much as looked at one in 3 months. Then Instagram sent me an ad for a new app designed for fitness folks… my girl friends insisted I join.
After signing up and going on a few bad dates, I decided to quickly glance at my other apps before bailing once again. And who should I match with right off the bat? My Guy.
Did I mention he had never been on a dating app - like in his entire life - until 2 weeks before we connected?
5. It’s probably going to look different than you thought. But also, so much better.
I’ll be honest, I never imagined myself being with someone who already had a kid. I figured we would go on that journey for the first time together.
In fact, in past dating experiences where my date had a child, there was always an internal resistance that popped up. Just a little tug to pull away.
This was so completely different. From the first time My Guy mentioned his daughter’s name I felt an odd affinity for her. The way he spoke about her, the way his eyes lit up, the way everything about him shifted… it only drew me in more.
The point is, let yourself be surprised. Don’t get so locked into one version of your future that you skip over the possibilities of an even better one.
Now I want to leave you with one final thought. It’s one that I both struggled with through my single years but am also so glad was there for me to grab onto during moments of frustration, sadness, and disappointment.
This time? When you’re on your own and just have your girl friends, your job, and maybe a pup like me? It will end. And as much as you want to be in a relationship right now, a part of you will miss this era.
So enjoy it.
Enjoy eating whatever you want whenever you want. Enjoy watching whatever trash tv you want to watch without shame. Enjoy picking up and meeting your girl friends for happy hour on a random Tuesday night. Enjoy collecting the stories - the good, the bad, and the funny. Enjoy decorating the way you want. And cleaning the way you want. And singing out loud while you clean.
Because while there’s so much beauty in finding someone to care for and to care for you, there is also so much beauty in this life you’ve created for yourself, by yourself. Don’t let it pass you by by focusing on the one thing you don’t have when you still have so much to be grateful for.
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